One of my most treasured fabrics of life are friendships. They are the most cherished and the most difficult to care for and to maintain.
I’ve found that one can only be in a friendship - a functioning, healthy, satisfying, rewarding friendship - when one is firmly rooted in the autarkic strength of one’s own being. Yet friendships have a tendency to loosen, weaken or even uprooting this autarchy and all of a sudden the friendship, up until now satisfying, cozy, joyful, exciting, becomes toxic.
For a while now I grew accustomed to a person, a friendship developed. Things were nice, comfortable, satisfactory, exciting, rewarding - and all I wanted was to continue in this way.
And all of a sudden nothing is the same again. Literally from one day to the other I find I have been ghosted, the person whom I thought of as my friend is not here anymore, everything has changed and I am left to ask myself: how could it have come to this?
And I don’t find an answer. Which is really the hard part. Not to be able to solve the riddle, not having an answer. As much as I look, as much as I ponder every move, every snippet of communication, I am unable to detect any logical, rational element which might explain this sudden dramatic change.
What I feel is pain. It is intense. It is a pain, very much the same as I felt in the past when a partner relationship had been terminated. The difference is that then I knew what led to the breaking up and the pain I felt then was not welcome but understood, it had a causal explanation. The ghosting causes the same pain but lacks the explanation and is therefore so much harder to endure.
The first impulse with me usually is: Is it something I did, is it my fault? It must have been me! Yet, I have learned that this is not always true.
I hope that one day there will be an explanation given to me and meanwhile I hover between acceptance /respect of my friend’s decision, as incomprehensible it might be to me, being grateful for the time I have been given (because it really has been an enjoyable time) and putting into question the value of that time, now seemingly meaningless and belittled by incomprehensibility and disappointment.
I try to move on.
*** if you had similar experiences, feel free to share them with me***
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